Those who say, ‘I love God’, and hate their brothers or sisters, are liars; for those who do not love a brother or sister whom they have seen, cannot love God whom they have not seen. – 1 John 4:20
In 2016 I started training as a conflict mediator. I really enjoyed the work and believed it would become an essential part of my ministry. It was an interest I shared with my friend Brad. We went through our training together and jumped into any opportunity that we could find to practice our new skills. Interestingly, I had more conflict with Brad than I did with anyone else. We ran into obstacles big and small, everything from how to cook eggs at a clergy retreat to disagreements on how to approach a troubled church. So, since it is hard to be a mediating team with unresolved conflicts between us, we were forced to work through each problem as it arose. It was awkward.
The process of reconciliation usually began with me getting up the courage to say something like, “there is an issue that I would like to work through with you. Can we schedule some time where we can both give this our full attention?” He knew that meant I was mad about something. He would honor my request, even though his initial response was an inner dread. Then we would discuss the topic at hand, employing all of the tools that we had learned. “What I hear you saying is….” and “my interests are…” and “can you help me better understand your perspective?” We tried to use neutral language, avoiding accusations and being specific about our concerns. Above all else, we never assumed the other’s motivation, describing only how an action affected us. I tried my best to resist applying emotional pressure and he worked really hard on not bolting out of the room. One of our fellow clergy members who overheard us working through an issue said, “that was the weirdest conversation I have ever heard.”
In truth, I don’t think that I ever convinced Brad that I was right about anything, nor did he convince me. But the topics that we disagreed on weren’t the issues that we were working through. What we were really working on was treating the other with respect, listening even when we were uncomfortable, and giving value to the other’s perspective. It takes a lot of courage to have difficult conversations with people we care about. But, the payoff is worth it. Though I have failed in my efforts to convince Brad that I am right, I have gained a solid friendship that has proven it can endure many challenges.
Conflict transformation is central to our faith. In fact, one way of understanding the goal of the Christian life is that it is a process of reconciliation with God (2 Cor. 5:20). The Bible makes clear in many places that that process of reconciliation must start in our relationships with each other. The passage from 1 John 4 above may sound harsh, but it is clear. God points us toward the one with whom we are angry. “Try to work through it together,” God says, “and you will both find me on the other side.”
Yours in Christ,
Pastor Jen